I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
