my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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