literally had 100 drinks last night.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
