the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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