Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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