So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
