we have officially mastered the walk of shame
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
