i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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