there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
