I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
