Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
