Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
