I just saw a hot homeless man
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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