Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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