i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
