I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
