well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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