I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
