I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
