I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize