Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
