kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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