True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
