I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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