I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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