Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize