I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
