Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize