Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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