Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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