why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
its liver damage thursday
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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