just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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