If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize