Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
