FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
