it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize