Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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