I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
