I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
