Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
