i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
