so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
