Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
