I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
