So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
