Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
