girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
