It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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