On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
