We're like a lot better than the average bears
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
