I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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