he was CRYING into my vagina
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
