when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
