i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
