Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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