when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
