Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
