Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
