Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
