i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Houston, we have a blender
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
