Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
