I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
