I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
