Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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