Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
