How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
