She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
