Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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