There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i drank out of a bidet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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