I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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