I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Randomize
