I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
